The journey through pregnancy can be filled with both joys and anxieties. The emotional roller coaster of maternity makes it all too easy to relate to funny pregnancy quotes. All moms-to-be, new and experienced ones alike, can resonate with the humor in these quotes about pregnancy!
Whether you’re getting ready for the delivery day or just taking a few moments to reflect on your experience so far, laughing about the struggles and awkwardness of being pregnant can be a great way to pass the time.
So get comfy, grab yourself some ice cream, and let’s explore some of the funniest pregnancy quotes.
Funny Quotes About Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a wonderful and exciting time for both parents-to-be. Here are 70 funny pregnancy quotes to help you through this special time in your life:
1. “People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” – Jessica Simpson
2. “Sneezing for a pregnant chick is like playing Russian roulette; you never know when something’s gonna come out.” – unknown
3. “Baby brain is real. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones.” – Olivia Wilde
4. “My everyday meals include breakfast, brunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, pre-dessert, dessert, dessert #2, and a post-dinner snack.” – unknown
5. “I am not Buddha. Rubbing my pregnant belly will not bring you good luck, prosperity, or wealth.” – unknown
6. “The only productive part of me today has been my bladder.” – unknown
7. “Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife.” – Queen Victoria
8. “Pregnancy: A condition that makes you pee when you laugh and puke when you cough” – unknown
9. “It’s a great thing about being pregnant – you don’t need excuses to pee or to eat.” – Angelina Jolie
10. “When I found out I was pregnant, I was overcome with pure happiness. No periods for nine months, and that’s a reason to celebrate.” – unknown
11. “Pregnancy. It’s just like a constant hangover.” – Ellie Kemper
12. “Yes, I’m positive there’s just one baby in there. Can I throat punch you now?” – unknown
13. “I know my baby is going to be an overachiever. I reached my healthy pregnancy weight gain limit in the first trimester.” – unknown
14. “To pee or not to pee. That is never the question. Pee.” – unknown
15. “I had this thing for Entenmann’s chocolate donuts. Somewhere during my pregnancy, I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks, and my doctor was like, ‘You know what it might be? Are you drinking a lot of juice?’ I was like, ‘Yeah. That must be it.’ I was eating like a box a day of Entenmann’s donuts.” – Tina Fey
16. “Don’t ask me why I am crying because I don’t know.” – unknown
17. “My baby’s body fat is 2 to 3% this week. I am so jealous.” – Pink
18. “You do a lot of growing up when you’re pregnant. It’s suddenly like, “Yikes. Here it is, folks. Playtime is over.” – Connie Fioretto
19. “Yes, I have gently placed my hand on my tummy and faked discomfort to get a seat on the subway.” – unknown
20. “Pregnancy is getting company inside one’s skin.” – Maggie Scarf
21. “Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother.” – unknown
22. “Part of being a parent is rolling with the punches, so consider an unexpected pregnancy the universe’s way of helping you to learn to do that.” – Heather Wittenberg
23. “You know you’re pregnant when you’re in the kitchen cooking, drop something, and stand there thinking, ‘Do I really need that?’” – unknown
24. “Congratulations for getting pregnant. Enjoy the luxury of getting your husband’s attention every time you make even a small sound – whether it is a painful moan or a smelly fart.” – unknown
25. “Never go to your high school reunion pregnant, or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” – Erma Bombeck
26. “I’m proof that birth control is 99% effective.” – unknown
27. “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” – Jessica Simpson
28. “If heartburn during pregnancy means you’ll have a hairy baby, I’m about to give birth to Chewbacca.” – unknown
29. “Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy, which has about 1,000 days.” – unknown
30. “Doing sketch comedy on live television while pregnant is like wearing a sombrero. You can pretend to be a serious person, but the giant hat gives you away.” – Amy Poehler
31. “Growing a baby makes me feel like a superhero. A really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and is not allowed to lift heavy objects.” – unknown
32. “I have two brains in my body, but I’ve never been so dumb!” – Gloria in Modern Family
33. “Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat.” – unknown
34. “Waiting for this baby is like picking up someone from the airport, but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.” – unknown
35. “Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” – Mila Kunis
36. “Being pregnant has made me realize it takes talent not to pee yourself when you sneeze” – unknown
37. “I’m at the stage in my pregnancy where people don’t know whether to congratulate me or buy me a gym membership.” – unknown
38. “Does this baby make me look fat?” – Amy Shumer
39. “I had twins, so it was really uncomfortable [to sleep] because you lay on one side, and there’s a baby, and you lay on the other side, and there’s a baby. So I had a really hard time with it.” – Jennifer Lopez
40. “Pregnancy is 9 months of cheat days.” – unknown
41. “Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” – Rita Rudner
42. “When pregnancy feels long and endless, I like to think on the bright side: no periods!” – unknown
43. “One thing that happens when you’re pregnant is that as your stomach starts to stretch [and] it itches! So I have to keep my belly really lubricated. Every morning, there’s a buttering ceremony after I get out of the shower.” – Padma Lakshmi
44. “Wishing I could sleep, but someone is using my stomach for their own personal bounce house!” – unknown
45. “In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.” – Al Roker
46. “That awkward phase in pregnancy when people can’t tell if you’re pregnant or just fat.” – unknown
47. “Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws; I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby, and I can go out.” – Matthew Broderick
48. “The “What fruit does your baby look like this week?” is both cute and creepy.” – unknown
49. “Pregnancy is a disease from which you recover in 18 years and 9 months.” – unknown
50. “Peezing – peeing and sneezing at the same time.” – The Joys of Pregnancy
51. “When people congratulate me, I like to say, “For what?” and watch them panic.” – unknown
52. “I used to have a terrific flat stomach, but now it’s kind of blown out after two giant babies used it as a short-term apartment.” – Amy Poehler
53. “‘Pregnancy brain’ is my excuse for everything I don’t want to do.” – unknown
54. “You can do your job massively pregnant if you choose to go down that road. It’s fine. It’ll be hilarious. It’ll add to your comedy in ways that you never expected. Like when your elbows grow hair for no reason” – Samantha Bee
55. “Feeling fat lasts nine months, but the joy of becoming a mom lasts forever.” – Nikki Dalton
56. “Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.” – unknown
57. “I feel like I get a little panicky about food availability. If I’m going somewhere, I’m like, ‘Will they have something I’ll want to eat at that point?’ So, before I go anywhere, I’ll have a plate of pancakes or a veggie burger or whatever—just to be prepared.” – Natalie Portman
58. “You don’t realize how many people your friends hate until you have to name your baby.” – unknown
59. “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor
60. “At this point, I’m the one who needs a diaper.” – unknown
61. “I can smell electricity. I swear to God I can smell the TV.” – Amanda Seyfried
62. “Everybody leave me alone. I’ve had a busy day being pregnant, and I have to do it again tomorrow.” – unknown
63. “That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you don’t know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while it’s just the horizon – and then one-day birds wheel over that dark shape, and it’s suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that you’ve had the right shots.” – Emily Perkins
64. “I am pregnant, which means I am sober, swollen, and hungry. Approach with caution.” – unknown
Funny Pregnancy Quotes for Dads
65. “Telling the world that I am becoming a dad is like telling the world we had unprotected sex.” – unknown
66. “Pregnancy is fun. Sometimes we watch him kick, sometimes we argue about the difference between white and yellow cheddar.” – Christopher Grebe
67. “A tip for expecting dads; never, ever eat the last anything.” – unknown
68. “Giving Birth is an ecstatic roller coaster ride not available to males.” -unknown
69. “Should I be concerned about sympathy weight if my belly button just popped out?” – unknown
70. “My wife was crying because she couldn’t find her socks…they were on her feet.” – Daniel Phelps
These funny pregnancy quotes make lovely quips for cards, wall art, and gifts for the mamas to be in your life.
So Many More Quotes
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